An Update and a New Direction.

As you can tell from another long hiatus, I am up to a whole lot of new and different things which I am looking forward to sharing with you. The first month as a design historian has been a challenge, but for once it's a relieving challenge. I am surrounded with incredible new colleagues, all inspiring and really really smart and it's exciting to be in a space together learning! I'm learning a whole lot of new words and ways to describe 'stuff' and I've just written my first essay, short but kind of a new way of thinking and talking about design.

SO. Now with our first kind of 'reading'/'projects' week, I've set myself the challenge to rekindle my relationship with you, blog. This has been the outlet that has got me through, been a place of safe criticality and just a way of sharing with you what life is like doing lots of design stuffs. But now, what with less making and more thinking, this blog is going to end up going on a slight tangent to before, as a space for research sure, but its more about the words now I guess. I have to challenge myself to be looking at the world slightly differently, so I'm hoping it will be here that I start to practice some reviewing and documenting, describe some books, some performances, some events, and maybe show my image-making a little if I get the chance. You'll be happy to know I've set up a drawing club with HoD, so history of design is not just about being historical now. It's just weird getting used to being a 'historian' to some effect, but I'm hoping to make that definition as broad as possible. It would feel strange if I didn't do lots and lots and lots of things.

Between the last post and this one, I've done lots of things which I hope I can share with some photography (when I get them developed this week whoops). I've been to Japan with my family, as you may know from Instagram. Lots of pics from that so hopefully I can get a hold of those soon... Anyway, stay tuned for some exhibition reviews because I'm hoping to go to a good handful of them before I have to get back to being an MA student again!

Also here's two prams full of miniature poodles.

Update and End of the Line.

Clearly in my last post I had promised too much so now that we're heading into September... I can admit it has been both hectic and yet I feel a little more relaxed. Since our final show we've had our graduation, and then that's it! I've received my certificate, and just sweet sweet relief. I moved out way back in June into a new flat in North London with Jonas, and Laura and Chris joined us too, leaving Nottingham behind. Hannah also moved in round the corner to us, so it's great to feel like it is a fresh start, but then again it's more that I get to spend even more time with some of my best friends. As I am the only student in the house now, I've been able to spend a lot of time on my own which has actually becoming really good downtime for me. I've been able to read, and weave, and just calm down from life as a design student, and prepare myself for becoming a design history student. That's not to say I've not stopped working, more that it's working out in my brain what I am capable of, and where I can sit in this funny design world. At the end of the day, I may have disliked the last three years, but that doesn't ever mean I would want to leave it behind forever. As much as I want to scrutinise, analyse and appreciate design as a design historian, there is also such pleasure as thinking and making as a designer, and I will miss printing the most, absolutely. I promise, it won't be stopping any time soon!

 So backtracking, I ought to show what I have been doing since even May! There have been some work that I haven't yet revealed...

Early this year, my housemate Pippa had been talking about making a fashion film for her graduate collection, and I was really interested in getting to combine my love for moving image and fashion. Separately I'd been talking to my friend James who was interested in making sets, including for a fashion setting. So we embarked on this super fast turnaround task to make a film called 'End of the Line.' I started storyboarding a couple of weeks before shooting, and roping in a friend from second year Illustration (the lovely Kate!), in about three weeks, James had made the set and we'd shot the film!

The concept was formed from the concept for Pippa's collection, which uses the figure of 'the trainspotter'. We formulated a character for her, and figured out her obsessions and agenda for our two minute film. We wanted a tongue-in-cheek film that was the right balance of cheek, fun and yet had a practical and absurd edge.

I'm really happy with the overall outcome. As the first fashion film I had ever made, I was pleased to find that I could do so much, and the finish was exactly what I wanted. Hopefully I can do more stuff using film, and I have some more ideas and collaborations coming up so fingers crossed they can come to light!

See the film here.

Another another Update: Skills Project 'My Voice is an Instrument'.

Clearly these hiatuses are getting a common factor as the years have gone by, and again more and more apologies. I hope that from now on I won't have to be as apologetic, as I should have both material and time to blog about! I hope you all haven't felt too much in the dark.

Since my last posts, it has been a real rollercoaster ride for me, not quite the ideal to reach assessment and ultimately degree show but maybe expected. I decided after an emotional FMP that for my Skills project, I would make something else. Along similar themes, I decided on the subject of the female voice in its different forms, in spoken word, in song, in rhyme. I wanted to compare this expression to music as a fluid and powerful form, and as a real passion that I miss from my singing days in school, I wanted to encapsulate it visually in a truly interactive format. In my research, I found this incredible poem 'Honest Speech' by Erin Schick on Button Poetry which you can see here. It really brought me to tears and I felt like I could relate to the silencing by others because of you, something that is integral to your identity. I may not stutter, but what I love about her poem is that in her performance of 'Honest Speech' she herself is defying those who are exactly trying to shut her up and shut her out. I wanted to celebrate her voice, a voice that needs listening to, a voice that wants and is being heard.

This did not go down well... it became quite apparent that the qualms from FMP were going to emerge again, and well to put a long story short... I concluded that the tutors that I had were not prepared to support me as a student, and I was not going to give up again on a project that I needed to do. I knew I could do it well and do Erin Schick's poem justice, and my work would have a reason for existing.

I decided to go ahead with the project on my own, and from there I felt so much more liberated and excited by it. I wanted to make an interactive print that would perform Schick's poem. Using the HackSpace, and the help of Alice Stewart, I found out that I could make a print 'talk' using conductive ink and a cool gadget called a TouchBoard (more info here at Bare Conductive - it's very exciting!). What I was attempting to make is actually a pretty simple process so after talking through the idea with Alice, I went with making a series of large prints for an exhibition that HackSpace was hosting in collaboration with our local gallery, The Stanley Picker Gallery, called TECHNO. The conductive paint is supposed to be designed to print on larger scales but...it comes with a cost! And at the moment it is still a lot like tar in its final form so it does have to be diluted a little. At first I had planned 3 prints, but that didn't work out so well so I ended up with one.

I was dying to use words. After working on YIN and YANG, and looking at endless amounts of beautiful typography, I really wanted to use it in my image making. I am after all, working with words for the next two years in my life. I treated it like 'notation' as opposed to an alphabet. I wasn't really seeking to make a typeface as such, but to manipulate what was already there, just like how notation on a page works. Perhaps later on I would love to design a typeface that reflects a stutter, but for now I really wanted to put across the ideas and ideals in the poem. And so I went with a mechanical manipulation, which I hoped would reflect the defiance of the 'normal'. I chose Times New Roman, the default serif, and distorted them using a photocopier. The outcome was surprisingly fluid and lyrical and yet simultaneously disjointed.

Using the words from Schick's poem, I tried to visualise particular parts of each section of the poem that moved me most using different ways of manipulating type. I really strongly wanted to stick to the  themes within the poem, and I was really drawn to a particular line in 'Honest Speech':

'My voice is an instrument, my stutter

it's greatest symphony, my speech

composed

by God.'

Her speech was so strongly linked with the voice as music that I couldn't not link it somehow. I researched into John Cage and Fluxus and Dieter Schnebel, who's intent was to turn the discipline of music upside down in not only a sonic but physical way, pushing instruments and in Schnebel's case, the human body to extreme limits to create sound, to create music. The visual language of their music also was often totally different to traditional sheet music, created out of seemingly random lines, lists of instructions, rules, colours and beautiful shapes (an awesome example performance here). I read a lot on stutters and it's social and sonic perception, and this project really solidifies just how much I love to research on content. It just makes me so excited to link all of these themes and topics together, and Alice then suggested I should write an essay to go alongside my print for the TECHNO show... so I did. 

After my crit for the Skills project, which again didn't go too well, I decided this was what was going to represent me at my degree show. I reworked the images to become more reliable, interactive and spectacular. I photocopied a series of Ss, creating new identities for the letter S. The forms are beautiful and solid, and in some ways, also looking like classic notes.

I then arranged it to become a three metre long wallpaper. Rosa and I hand painted the staves with the conductive paint so that it would definitely be reactive. And this is it:

I also reworked my book which contained my essay, which I had laid out to reflect the subject of each chapter:

At first, I was dubious about my outcome. I think by the end of this university experience, especially with such huge amounts of negativity towards the end, I was totally knackered, and every decision I made felt like a bad one. In hindsight, I feel really relieved and proud of this work and I'm so glad that I made it to the end, and made it to the end with this project. It is my own defiance, and totally my own and I love it. The poem still makes me cry, it still makes me think and this project makes me like myself. I'm glad to put these issues somewhere where people can't hide. We all are responsible for our actions. We all need to start listening and thinking and engaging. 

I'm sorry for another long and winding, and a little non-sensical, blog post. After some time away from university, tutors and work relating to my course in general, revisiting such a shit time feels like a blizzard and I think I'm still trying to get to grips with how I feel about university in general. As you can tell, a lot of feels going on. But all in all, I'm just thankful that I have been able to pull something out of the bag that is relevant to me and relevant to many. I am trying to come to terms with the fact I won't get the grade I want, and haven't been appreciated much for working hard, for being dedicated, and thus it's been a bit of time to give myself recognition and commitment to drive me forward. I swear to God, if I ever end up teaching (which I would love to) the first thing I would express is real commitment to them and their intent. But in the end, my time has university has given me the opportunity to meet other incredible mentors, some of which live just in the next rooms to me. I would really love to continue this project into some other formats as well, maybe an animation or moving image. I am so glad to have found Erin Schick's poem and I hope one day that she sees this and I hope she likes it. I'm so glad that all these young people around me, my friends and classmates, are so awesome and have stepped in where my teachers have failed me. They have inspired me beyond belief, and I really wish the best for all of our futures!

Kingston School of Art Archive: 140 Years of KSA

Back in December, I started volunteering at the Kingston School of Archive which I never knew was situated in the back of our Uni library. They desperately needed some 'graphics' help so they set me on a fun task which they described as a 'montage' using all their material in the archive. I thought well... I can do something a bit more interesting with all this stuff. I thought how about some wallpaper! 

This task was really fun and it's paid off! I made them to cover some of the walls in their 140 years of Kingston School of Art exhibition at Kingston Museum and they have been spotted to be used again later on this year... I will keep you posted on that one! Not sure if it's alright to reveal just yet. 

Hopefully I can find the time to stay involved with the archive, and possibly help out with some more projects.

Penguin Book Cover: Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit.

This year I finally got around to submitting to the Penguin book cover competition. After reading about Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit, I really, really, really wanted to make a cover for it. Admittedly, I watched the series rather than reading it (time issues obvs) but it gave me enough information to get my teeth into it!

From looking at previous covers, what I disliked was that there wasn't a clear connotation with religion. Given my Catholic girl background, I felt like I was in good stead to put in some biblical references. I went for an Italian biblical fresco/painting style, mixing it with a super 70s wardrobe. I also wanted to lightly reference the biblical story of 'The Adulterous Woman', where Jesus stands up for a woman who is accused of adultery. The crowd is ready to stone her to death, so I thought I would position them the way that many painters have placed Jesus and the woman, with a few oranges as though they could have been stoned by them.

I'm pretty happy with this cover, and I'm so relieved to have finally been able to submit one! As much as it's not a particularly 'graphic' style, I think it does show the complexity of the themes in the book. It's a book that is totally up my street, questioning girlhood, faith and the way that society sees and uses religion. 

Final Major Project: Because You're Worth It.

Yesterday we had our final crit for our Final Major Projects. As I wrote in the last post, it's been a really difficult twelve weeks for me and this project has been a Marmite project....

My project was a continued exploration of girlhood from my dissertation focusing on a quote that I came across:

'By presenting a world with no need for social change, 

this use of the Girl Power discourse fails to provide girls with tools to understand 

and challenge situations where they experience sexism and other forms of oppression. 

Thus, girls are discouraged from seeing inequality and from engaging 

in challenges to such inequalities.' 

 Taft, J. (2004) 'Girl Power Politics: Pop-Culture Barriers and Organisational Resistance

After my dissertation and constant conversations with others about girlhood, I really feel like this is an issue that gets overlooked and in my opinion, ultimately is making the feminist discussion even more difficult. By believing girls aren't 'ready' for feminism, or mature enough to start to understand what women are trying to do, it creates a binary that doesn't differ much from the inequalities of men and women. In this way, girlhood is treated as the constant ambition to be 'older', 'wiser', 'sexier' and a poisonous atmosphere is often created through these ambitions. How are women expected to have a critical and genuine discussion when girls are encouraged by media, stereotypes and ultimately women and adults to do the complete opposite? There is a need to become everything as a girl... and for so long I thought it was just something I had felt growing up. But the more I read and talked to people, the more I realised that this is something that is so engrained in so many people. 

Strangely, what I have found in this experience is that it seems to be a mostly generational thing. During interviews with other girls, my age and also younger, all of us were really emotional. Thinking of ourselves and also our peers, past and current, it's a feeling and emotion that we barely even let ourselves think about. Many of my tutors, both male and female, have struggled to understand what I'm trying to say and why I've made the decisions I've made. Much of what I was concerned about was being dictating with my work, and I absolutely could not and would not use my drawings to represent the emotions of so many people. I wanted to create something that was interactive and enables users to create something completely on their own, otherwise it would be totally against the point. The point was to create a space where girls and women could create something together, but in a genuine way, in an attempt to subvert beauty myths and social media pressures into something empowering. I wanted to lose control. My tutors wanted me to take control but for me, it was without reason other than to make something aesthetically 'pleasing'. 

Initially I was going to build a mock 'toilet cubicle' where girls and women could go in a record their voices expressing thoughts, passions, angers or criticisms, which would then be 'roboticised' and played outside of the cubicle. This apparently wasn't visual enough which...I got. I understood. Then, I wanted it to be graffiti-ed by the public...but that was not me 'in control'. So then going back to my original proposal, I decided to make objects. Surely then it's visual enough...

I was slightly less enchanted at this point, but I put my all into making 'brushes' out of various objects, mixing DIY objects and beauty parts to make 'tools' for girls to use inside the cubicle. In the end I really liked what it was like visually, and I decided to make a film to demonstrate the objects in their working order. I was advised to 'fake' the marks they made, but I disagreed; these brushes are making marks that represent girls, and girls should not be treated as though they are specifically 'precious'. So I didn't. You can see my film here.

I'm really happy with this outcome, and in hindsight, it absolutely fulfils my brief in a way that is sensitive and yet also isn't patronising. The criticism I got was as expected... my tutors didn't like that the marks were made randomly in that they didn't make an 'image', and hated the voice which I believed made it less saccharine. They also still thought I should have faked the marks. I bit my tongue in response; after all, nothing I say would have changed their mind about it. I can only describe my feeling about it, after feeling like I've had to fight to do the project as I wanted, is complete frustration. It's perpetual, because I feel absolutely ignored by people who are supposed to be my support during this project, the same way that many adults ignore girls as humans who will make a difference in this world if they, WE, are not faced with ideas that we're not enough. I was absolutely encouraged to do this project in the first place, but I feel like the whole time I hadn't been listened to, nor have they ever asked me questions or attempted to debate with me. Even when I had shown them a film from interviewing other girls, it didn't seem to get through that this isn't just me with a chip on my shoulder. And yet, I still feel like I'm having to explain myself constantly and prove myself as a designer.

I feel like I have to write all of this because this is a place where I can be genuine with you, and honest with myself. From the endless readings on platforms like ROOKIE (spesh this article by Kingston alumni Hattie Stewart), talking to girls who are living through school now, watching TED talks by Eve Ensler and other women, I know this is a world issue that so many of us try to ignore because everyone tells us it makes stronger. We're told that bitching and putting other girls down makes it easier for us to be better. I know it will be fine for me eventually, and I'm looking forward to spending time with more people who are capable of listening to each other. But I am just glad that this project, at least where it is judged by a number, is over. As much as I knew that it was going to happen, I did not expect the project to face this kind of criticism. One that is absolutely superficial, when the whole point is that it is wrong for this. I even made something that looks beautiful! And still it is met with criticism that I feel is unrelated to me or my project. 

However, the best thing that could have happened is that I found out today that I made it onto the MA History of Design. I'm so ecstatic not only because it's an awesome course, but also that I can move on from practical design, and I know that leaving it behind will help me reconcile with it. I know I'm good, I know my strengths and I absolutely always have. To be made to doubt and challenge myself is good, but not for the sake of my self worth. Not in the way that I have been 'challenged'. That is not the point of university at all. Thankfully I have the support of my friends and peers, who are ultimately the future of the industry. They will be my colleagues, my support, and they are the biggest positive that could ever come out of university. As much as my tutors are just the people I want to share this issue with, it won't get me anywhere to fight with them. I just still have to do me.

If you're reading this and got accepted into Kingston, please don't see this and then go and cancel your place because it is an amazing course and it does have so much to offer. I have a lot of respect for my tutors and they are obviously experts in their fields and are under a lot of pressure, I know. They are not bad teachers. But what I am trying to say is that you are your best and most important critic. I disagree with what they have said about me and my project. Wherever you are, don't let others stop you from reaching your goals and pushing forward. I challenge you to challenge the tutors, they are absolutely not always right, YOU ARE. Don't ever let them bring you down. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

(Sorry for the long, long, long post, but I couldn't get this out of my head... Thanks for listening xo)

An Update.

Apologies for the lack of content this year, and I think it's about time for an update. I'll try my best to remember two months worth of what I've been up to!

Since January, we've been working on our final projects, which has been a little bit of a roller coaster for me. After finishing and handing in dissertation (yay!), this project has pretty much been the sole concentration of my brain...not all of it has been healthy. It's taken a lot to get to the end but I suppose that happens with all big projects like these. I decided to continue my topic on girls and girlhood in this project, and all the concept and ethics of it really got to me. I really felt, and still feel, a need to get it right, and I think a marked, university setting isn't always the best place to ask these questions. After all, I can understand that it needs to communicate clearly, even if the subject is incredibly complex. Right in the middle of this project I really put myself under a lot of stress and strain, and I think it goes to show you can really really overthink things. A LOT. There has been a lot of crying and arguing with myself, and persuading my tutors about the concept which I know and believe that a lot of girls and women will and do understand. But, I think that it is limited to a certain age group, one that has experienced their girlhood in the same (or later) generation as myself. But in the end, I have made it out alive and our crit is on Monday, so I will be relieved to put the topic to rest. At least for now.

On top of all this, I have also managed to somehow find time to do other things. Crazily enough, I've started a few collaborations with the fabulous Ruby Smith and another animation with Rosa and a bigger team of people. I've also started volunteering for the Kingston School of Art Archive, which landed me to another job working with the fashion department here.... so I'm back on the Fashion illustration train! So so so many exciting things going on, and in a way, final project has proven not to be the most important. I think for me, if I'm only focused on one design process I really get in trouble with freaking myself out. It's been helpful to have been able to step back, and have the morale from all my friends. Also, not going to lie, but playing Sims on iPad has been helping me to live out a different life...sometimes you just need a break you know?

Also an update on 'The Future' (??!), back in January I actually applied for an MA in History of Design at the Royal College of Art (!!!!!!). I've had an interview, and have yet to hear back about my application... I have all my digits crossed for it. After writing dissertation, I just know there is so much more I can get my teeth into; I really feel that side of me needs some nourishing. I know that I will forever carry on drawing, painting, filming, making, but I do think I was also born a thinker. I might not be able to create the most appropriate things all the time, but I have so many ideas about the future of design and how it can help us at least develop solutions for this world. So yeah, I'm doing a lot of hoping and praying.

I have a few more things to show you and tell you about, so I will try my best to keep you posted. I won't let you down!

Yin and Yang; More collaborating with Velvit

After having such a great time working on Yin, Jaimie Lake from Velvit Vault invited me to contribute to her next, twin exhibition Yang. I designed the logo for this exhibition too, as well as creating some ink paintings to be sold in the Velvit online shop.

I'm so happy with how it worked out on the website, and I really feel that the aesthetic works well together with the branding of Velvit. It really has been a pleasure working with Jaimie, and hopefully not the last time!

For my contributing work, I painted four male life studies. I gave Jaimie a description, so maybe that will help add to what I'm trying to say:

"In 'Off Guard', he gently sleeps, naked and vulnerable, as we watch. Studies of male portraits always put across the 'man' in a powerful, strong stance. I wanted to create a series of images that neutralizes the common portrayal, showing that the gender roles of society are just a façade for our own egos. Dreaming and asleep, we succumb to nature, stripping all of us to the balance of Yin and Yang within us."

Although I'm not sure if they're going to sell particularly well, I've really enjoyed making the work and its work that I've been meaning to get out of my system for a while. I'll always love life drawing, and I think that is the main part of illustration that I want to keep; reportage and life drawing for me is just the most satisfying. It doesn't have to look exactly right, but I think in the end it just has to convey a feeling.

I've been having a whale of a time the past few months, and I'm really happy with how work is going so far. As ever, I've got a few projects on the go including FMP (EEK!), but that is what makes it so exciting! I'm so glad to be able to be keeping myself on my toes and making the most out of everything before uni is all over!

New Year Reflections.

So I am a horrific blogger now, but I swear it is from lack of content that I'm actually allowed to publish. To be honest with you, life has been up to my eyebrows in work but at the same time... it's strangely mellow and focused, so at least this time I don't feel like I've been running around like a headless chicken.

REFLECTION TIME! So December was full of stuff going on, and we're still continuing work on some projects now that began back then. Hannah and I are working on an RSA competition brief together, and we also had a project creating films and animations for the Royal Opera House where eight have been selected, so we're all pushing those as well (us 2 Park Road gals in the house, bringing home the bacon!). As well as that we're handing in our dissertations on Wednesday so that has been occupying most of my Christmas as of late, I'm sure those of you who I've seen/seen my Instagram will know how hectic the holiday has been. It might not have been the most restful that I would have liked, but nevertheless the end is nigh, and it ACTUALLY is nigh now in that my final major project ends in March!

My dissertation as some of you may know is about Sailor Moon, so that has been a fun and extremely interesting topic to look into, especially as I am now questioning and establishing my own feminist ideals. My title is 'Soldier of Love and Justice: How the Japanese anime Sailor Moon represents Girlhood and subverts the position of the 'Girl''. It's been interesting to question my own growing up and asking how much of it I had authority over; I perhaps in reflection felt more 'free' than some to choose what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be and what I care about. I've loved writing this dissertation, and I do feel like I want to write for a little longer... A masters in History of Art/Design is looking like a positive for the future so that's exciting. My final major project is going to be around the topic of girlhood as well, so we shall see where all of this goes!

Despite all of this, I do feel strangely skittish, and constantly in and out of anxiety about work and the working world. Leaving university is very exciting though, and I do feel like it's going to be really liberating to not feel judged so much. There is this phase of belonging that I drop in and out of... and I'm very tired of whipping myself for not being like this, or not being good at this. I feel like the working world will suit me in that I can pursue what I really really love, whatever that may be at the time. The world is our oyster after all! But I do think I have reached an unhealthy point of criticising myself. However, I really don't want to become an 'other'; I am after all, just the same as anybody else and I hope my friends and future colleagues can see me as an equal, in an environment where we all learn, we all share knowledge, we're all (at least mostly) passionate about what we're doing, through ups and downs. As idealistic as that sounds, I do think that I need to carry on thinking that way about my life right now, and that at the end of the day this degree and this life is just for me. It's difficult to not listen to others, at least for me, because I believe that I want to be the best that I can be. There is always room to improve, and I've always believed in an element of challenge and risk. So I hope, as this university experience draws to a close, that I can make a difference in this world, where I can encourage somebody out there to take their own risk and fulfil their own challenges.

Sailor Moon, as my childhood hero and idol, was more relevant to me and my growth than I ever knew. I hope she, and I, can always encourage our peers and ourselves to take on all the challenges that we are all inevitably going to face in our lives, and come out stronger than we ever were before.